Monday, April 23, 2007

It had already started about fifteen minutes ago. He could hear sound, loud and reverberating, outside the building reminding him he was late. He hastily entered the glass doors, and then paused. He needed a second to get used to the light. It was quite a contrast to the dark, stormy night he was seeking refuge from. His eyes adjusted, pupils growing smaller, and he was finally able to make his way inside where the music was coming from. He moved quickly up the aisle, not wanting to draw attention to himself, and sat in the nearest available spot. As it was the only place empty, he wondered if he had come just in time.


He was just far enough from the front to prevent him from clearly making out the features of the singers. A tall, handsome man, very stylishly dressed was standing in the middle, and behind him too his sides were the two other vocalists. The lady on the right was somewhat serious, and appeared as if she had done this for a long time. The girl on the left seemed a bit new to it, and she had a sort of nervous excitement. In the far left of the three sections, the late arriver watched detachedly, as if seeing for the millionth time a rabbit being pulled out of a hat.
He paused for a second, pulling his eyes from following the nicely polished beams and allowing them to take a look around him.

The crowd was large and persuasive, mouthing every word with the three, almost instinctively as if the action required no thought. He was just far enough to the left to be behind the section of the stage where the band played, closer to the audience than the singers were. He noticed the overhead lights focused on the drummer move a bit, distracting him for only a second. The particularly multi-angled lighting on the audience was broken by the balcony railings above him, and the shadows fell in thin clean lines across his bench, as if slicing the dark sections out of a piece of fruit and leaving him seated in a narrow shadow.


The picture in front of him seemed to be flat, not real at all, like a movie playing out in front of him at a theatre. He seemed very detached, and he blamed it on the distance. The actual music itself, though sounding to him as equally surreal, filled up the auditorium with its empty chords. The audience must not have felt the same way, as their very bodies swayed back and forth reacting to the message of hope and escape that the tune brought. One particular young man, not much younger than he, but young enough to matter, was particularly enveloped by the music, and as shadows covered his face he wondered if the boy would as well. would ever know. would ever feel. would ever learn, if anyone would tell him and if he would have wanted to know after he knew. A sudden thought struck him, but by the time he turned to pass it on, it had slipped his mind, and he realized it was rather futile anyway, seeing as there was no one there to pass it too.

The reflection of the light on the crashing symbol reached just the right spot in the crowd to land on his eyes, temporarily blinding him and bringing him back to his surroundings. It seemed to him that this whole production was sort of like a like something unexplainable and magical, something you can’t live with or without.


His mind once again resigned itself to wandering, leaving the music behind as if in another world. It suddenly struck him that he wasn’t quite sure why he had even come, or who it was he was looking for. Before he realized it he was outside between the large room where the band played and the glass doors that led him out. He paused for just a second wandering how he got there, and then as abruptly as he entered, he exited the glass doors, returning to the dark night where the clouds had moved just a bit, taking with them the rain and revealing a sliver of the moon in the dark, blue sky.

7 comments:

Holland Chase said...

sounds good dude, excellent description. will critique later. you shouldn't have deleted the old stuff. it doesn't just have to be about your writing -- although it can be if that's what you want.

erin said...

i agree with Seth about how descriptive you were... maybe you could even trim down on it slightly and let imagination kick in for the reader.

There are a few typos here and there, but very nice overall Wes. I don't think I've really read anything by you (with exception of English papers, which don't count)...

Holland Chase said...

ok i think i know what it needs:

i'm thinking maybe some dialogue needs to be put in there in a few places. it's excellent description and it's written well, but the actual plot is minimal.

it could be a friend, or something one of the singers says or something.

if you layered the story using flash back/imagery, etc. this would be a good place to do it too. maybe inbetween each descriptive paragraph.

almost like a cliff hanger, you gave us this beautiful picture, full of description and everything but left out the final puzzle piece. there's just not a whole lot of story.

but you started great. it's like you're a modern hawthorne -- pages of description. that's why his books are so long.

good start. finish her up already!

nathaniel said...

well I was going to put dialogue in, but he is alone, so therefore dialogue wouldnt fit in with him, and to him the rest of the people didnt really matter, he didn't feel connected or whatever, so i guess i just thought a lack of dialoge and a real plot would show the lack of meaning to what he was doing there...and how isolated he was,
actually Hemingway wrote a story that was called "A CLean, Well Lighted PLace" and it is really good, but in that story there is no real plot, no real characters, all though there was plenty of dialogue. and it was because the story was about how life was nothing and in a world characterized by nothingness, what could really happen?
and while I am not comparing myself to Hemingway at all, I guess that is what I was kinda going for....

i know it was very descriptive, but every descriptoin I put in there for a reason, some to show his isolation, some to show how he was now disillusioned concerning the things around him, and to show the effects those things had on him, distracting him from life, etc. I did however spend way too much time on description without putting much of anything else in there.

I will think about how to use flashbacks and imagery some more, i tried a bit with the light and dark imagery, and I will also think about how and where some dialogue would fit, and it would break up some of the monotony of the story...

but Seth, coming from the same background as I do, did you understand some of the ideas I was putting forth? and you know the setting right?

thanks to both of you for your advice, and erin i will cut out some of the really unnecessary description, or if i add something else, mabye there won't seem to be as much description....

Holland Chase said...

yes I do. it was like heminway rewriting Neon Bible or something. or at least that's what it has the potential to be.

I realized that you were going for the isolation issue, that's why I suggested flashbacks. He could reflect on times when he actually wasn't alone or whatever the situation might be.

I just thought it would break it up a bit.

but yes I did understand what you were going for. and it did get the point across.

Holland Chase said...

Urn (aka Urine aka Erin) said to update.

nathaniel said...

hmmmm ....
tell urn.
that when my life is so dull that it bores me just to write it down, that I know it will bore you to read it, so I am waiting for something bloggable to happen.
or anything to happen
at all
anything?