So hey guys. I wrote this a while back and in my head it was a song, and I tried to "poemize" it and ended up messing up rhythm and stuff, and I know it's not the best, but if yall could give me some tips, I would be more than greatful. I need some honest, critical feedback. I haven't written in a while, and it is increasingly difficult to write down the mess in my head. But I've tried. Let me know what you think.
This house just looks so empty
this air just feels so cold.
I’m looking for our mabye
Where have the small words gone
Forward in Time.
What I wanted I fought for it.
Now it seems I have it.
So why did I sell it so cheap.
Just to make a habit.
That’s my life.
She said have you ever felt
How it feels to pull your world down
To watch it crash around you
To watch yourself drown
Does it feel Fine?
I saw a man in my street
Trying to beat the system
With a bottle in his hand
Looking for change in the cushion of life
Should he even try?
everywhere that I go.
Til I understand what I’ve seen.
Til I know what I know.
And what it means.
every line on my face.
So you won’t forget (You can’t forget
The pain I’ve caused this place)
I just can’t think.
I only have one question.
Am I happy, was it worth it,
Would I do it again?
We will soon see.
There’s still something normal in the twisted,
With a far away look
Something good even in the wicked.
What does it mean?
.
4 comments:
well, i can't really critique you or anything because i'm terrible at it and really not myself today to say exactly what i think.
with that said, i like the idea you have going with this, but i'm left a little confused. i sort of don't understand what exactly it is about.
but i miss your writing! so, i'm happy to see something =)
ok first which do you want a poem or a song?
b/c if you're going for poetry, especially form poetry (and didn't realize it), you were using decent form. even as far as (for the most part) same syllable numbers in lines. Also some is in iambic pentaimeter, but you switch back and forth on some of that.
i have to leave so i don't really have time to critique, but, like Katie said, i like where you are going with this, i just don't think it's met its potential yet. but, at the same time, nothing ever does on its first time around.
Well it was song lyrics originally, but i tried to turn it into poetry.
I am at a loss as of what to do with it now. I want to work on it, but I'm not good at rhythm and such, and I could never figure out any sort of chorus that would make sense of the mess.
who says you HAVE to have a chorus? some songs don't.
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